Monday 12 December 2011

Couples choose to cohabit rather than marry.


With record breaking marriage times as short as Kim Kardashian’s that lasted 72 days and Britney Spears which lasted less than 55 hours, you have to wonder if people take marriage seriously anymore. Sometimes it isn’t that simple. 

The Office for National Statistics recorded the number of divorces in England and Wales in 2010 at 119, 589 with the number of divorces highest amongst men and woman aged 40 to 44. This was an increase of 4.9 percent since 2009 when there were 113, 949 divorces.

Relate for Parents is one of many online and face-to-face services used by families and couples going through divorces, relationship breakdown, communication and parenting issues as well as trust problems. It is the largest relationship counselling organisation in the UK and has been running for three years. Help and support online is offered through live web chat and email, other services include face-to-face appointments and telephone conversations. They have over 600 locations in the UK, each with their own team of counsellors. The central office has a team of 20 workers. Relate Response is the Relate for Parents call handling department, and deals with about 15,000 calls as well as 1800 emails and messages via live chat a month. 

Helen Pittard, 42, a Solicitor from Broughton, explains the general steps you go through during a divorce. “First my client and I will prepare and issue a divorce petition. The court will then serve the respondent who will then file an acknowledgement of service at court to confirm whether he or she will defend the case. Next the petitioner applies for the matter to be placed in the special procedure list for the pronouncement to the decree nisi. This means over the next six weeks and one day anyone can object to the court. The last step is after the six weeks and one day the petitioner will apply for the decree of absolute which dissolves the marriage.”

Diane Casey, 46, a Practice Counselor who works in Broughton, has been a working as counsellor since 2003 when she graduated from Chester University with a postgraduate in counselling. “I have always had a particular interest in the psychological and emotional care of patients. I have always felt like this is an area of my practice that I was particularly good at whilst working as a Regional General Nurse,” she said. 

Mrs Casey went on to tell me that she thought working as a counselor does have an emotional strain on a daily basis, but takes time to care for herself, “I have learnt to care for myself and give my self compassion.” She also attends counsellor supervision meetings twice a month where she talks about any of her own feelings. “This service is invaluable, it ensures I always work professionally and therapeutically with each client, having a life outside of the counselling room is important too, an equilibrium is essential!” she said. Miss Pittard reveals she deals differently with the emotional and mental effects her job may have. Although she generally finds her job rewarding, she admits the emotions are sometimes difficult to manage which normally brings on stress. “Overcoming clients issues and finding solutions for their problems help me overcome these effects. It is always important to remember whilst the client may exhibit anger it is not personally aimed at me personally.” 

Mrs Casey deals with clients who are going through or have gone through different relationship problems. “I have had experiences of individuals who are either going through divorce, who have just been through a divorce- which includes many years after and adult survivors of divorce. As a counsellor it is really important for me to allow the person space to explore their own feelings in response to the divorce,” she said. 

The client has to move therapeutically through their own feelings to make sense of them. Divorce can sometimes be experienced as a ‘loss’ in a persons life which will be dealt with through a grieving process in their own individual way. The grieving process will not only be for the parter they have lost but for their family life too, recovering from a divorce means needing to let go and readjust into a different life, this could be very difficult. Emotions run high with feelings of despair, hurt, anger, betrayal and loneliness, this could have a ripple effect which could lead to social, financial problems and loss of other relationships as well as relationships with their own children. “It is also important to remember we are all individuals and each situation is different from person to person. Everyone reacts and responds emotionally in their own personal and individual way,” said Mrs Casey.

Miss Pittard has dealt with approximately 12 divorces over the last six months but says that she feels the majority of people who enter a marriage ceremony intend to be in that relationship for life. “I believe the difficulty is people do not necessarily work at maintaining relationships when difficulties arise,” she said. Instead she feels a dissolution of marriage is seen as an easy and socially acceptable way to escape a relationship that is going through problems. 

Celebrities are rich, famous and are looked up to by millions of people. This causes people to mimic them as a kind of hero. Miss Pittard said, although there has been an increase in the divorce rate over the last decade she feels that statistically the rate is starting to plateau. “The reason for this is that more people are choosing to cohabit rather than marry,” she said.

An example of such relationship is that of Kath Ashcroft, 35, a invoicing supervisor from Broughton who has been living with her partner, Colin Parry, 48, from Liverpool for 19 years. They have not gotten married and have a daughter together, Charlotte Parry-Ashcroft, 13. “We planned to get married but time just passed us by and we haven’t,” said Miss Ashcroft. Now that they have been together for so long she said they do not see the point now as they live like a married couple would anyway. 




Saturday 12 November 2011

Until death do us part?


Marriage is meant to be a sacred ritual between two people that is supposed to last ‘until death do us part,’ but in this day in age it seems nothing lasts forever.

Helen Butterworth, 36, a riding yard manager from Saltney has been a single mother to her son Jack Butterworth, 18, and her daughter Megan Butterworth, 13, for eleven and a half years.

She got married at the age of 22, and was with her husband, Kevin Butterworth, 34, for two and a half years. “He committed adultery and with the 16-year-old babysitter that use to sit for us. That is unforgivable,” she said. “I came home early one night from the nursing home I worked at, because I was feeling ill, and caught them in bed together. I thought we were happy together, but clearly he wasn’t happy at all. Although he is not with her anymore.” Kevin use to get home at 10.00 pm and Helen started her night shift at 8.00 pm, she used to baby sit for them over the overlapping time period. “Clearly she never went straight home after Kevin got back to the house from work. When I look back now I don’t blame one or the other, it takes two to make something happen and if he wasn’t happy its probably best I caught them because who knows, I may not have found out otherwise,” said Helen. “It is just sad to have thought we had been together since we were 14 and in school together, and of course we have two children.”

Even though they have been divorced for 10 years they keep in contact on a weekly basis, mainly because of their son Jack. “He goes to visit his father most weekends and they spend a lot of time together. They have quite a solid father-son bond.”

The divorce affected both Megan and Jack in different ways, although Megan was only effect later on in her life because she was only 6 weeks old when her parents got divorced. “Megan was too young to remember or feel anything, so it had no effect on her in her early life. Although now when she sees her cousin with her dad, she feels like she is missing out on that father-daughter relationship. There has never been a strong father figure in her life.” Jack on the other hand was always a ‘daddy’s boy’ said Helen, and visits his father regularly. “It didn’t really bother me growing up without my dad, but I guess I wish we could have had some sort of relationship now. It doesn’t effect my day-to-day life and I hardly think about it,” said Megan.

Both children have a completely different relationship with their father and that was Kevin’s decision. “Kevin never seemed interested in Megan, and I really do not know why. I sometimes think it is because she was so young when he left, so there was never really much of a relationship to begin with,” she said. “Jack on the other hand was five and his father adored him.”

Megan felt her father never tried to have a relationship with her and for that she does not like him. “He would be a different person to talk to for different things, and I would have liked to have had a father figure, but he never gave me the time of day.” Kevin has never made any attempt to contact Megan but sends her the occasional gifts for special occasions.

Unlike most fathers who contribute financially to their children’s lives, Kevin chooses not to. Helen has had an ongoing struggle get financial support from her ex husband and involved the CSA. Unfortunately whenever they caught up with Kevin he would change his job, in the end Helen said she gave up, as it was not worth the hassle and constant chase. “He doesn’t contribute at all to any holidays, food or leisure activities but they do get a Christmas present or two. He does however take Jack out when he goes to visit at weekends,” said Helen.

Megan has lived without her father her whole life and feels he would not make a difference what so ever. “I have lived without him for so long, I couldn't see him making a huge difference to who I am or my life. I have grown up knowing no different and kind of learned to accept that it probably would never happen, even if I wanted it to.” Although Helen has had boyfriends over the years, none of the relationships evolved into anything serious. Megan found it easy to bond with her mothers’ partners and could form a kind of friendship with them, going out to the cinema and spending time together, “it was just nice to have someone else around, it was hard when they were not there anymore. I felt like I lost a possible father figure and a friend too,” said Megan.

The unfortunate thing about situations like Helen’s is that it affects you for the rest of your life. “I would not get married ever again, not even if I ended up in a committed and solid long term relationship. I lost so much when I went through my divorce, including my house amongst other things. I have completely lost trust and faith in men and would never put myself in the same predicament again,” she said.

Helen is now single and is concentrating on working to sustain a happy life for her and her children, they are her main focus.

Thursday 24 March 2011

The increased cost of petrol is having a negative effect on the public


Petrol has been on the rise since the beginning of the year, and has had a negative impact on the public who need a car for everyday transport.

The public are feeling cheated by the increase in the price of petrol and have had to resort to giving up luxuries or changing their mode of transport which may not have a positive impact on their day to day lives. 

Cheryl Evans, 55, an Admin Clerk from Connah’s Quay, said: “I walk where possible now and have changed my car to one that uses less fuel.” 

Not everyone can walk to every destination if they live far away from their work place or supermarket and getting public transport cannot always be possible. Gill Benbow, 49, a Credit Controller from Hawarden, said: “I can’t use public transport, ride a bicycle or walk far distances. I broke my hip and back a year ago and it prevents me from using these modes of transport so the only way I can get around is to drive.” 

Students are also being affected by the price increase. Harriet Brierley, 20, a student at The University of Chester, said: “I think the price of petrol is getting out of hand. I will now think twice about going somewhere due to the fact that the cost is just not worth it.” 

Miss Brierley only uses her car to go to University and back and does not use public transport because she finds it can be unreliable. Sharing a lift with her mother has been a solution for Donna Cosworth, 38, a Cleaner from Buckley. “The increase has affected us quite severely, I share my mums car with her now, it is only small and uses a lot less petrol.” 

Miss Cosworth also added that they have cut down on luxuries and treats including, going out for dinner to pubs and buying less food at the super market, “We buy a lot less nice things” she added.
Petrol price increases have only had a negative impact on peoples day to day travel and lives. They think twice about going places and spend less on food at the supermarket. Personal luxuries have become a thing of the past, spoiling yourself seems to be when your car has a full tank of petrol.

With this struggle becoming more clear to the public and car manufacturers, this may force the motor industry to change and improve cars from petrol and diesel, to electric cars which are more environmentally friendly and cheaper for people to run.

Change costs money, to develop and create new technology to create these ideal vehicles. Colin Bernard, 51, a General Practitioner from Chester said, “Change means spending a lot of money and the government or manufacturers are not going to pay for that change to happen. If cars stay the same, then it is only the petrol prices that change which is far more convenient for them.” 

There would need to be stations in which you could charge your car when it runs out of power, special sockets and a large power source. All of which would need financial aid. 

“There would need to be so much change and so much money put into developing these ideal cars,” said Kath Ashcroft, 34, an Invoicing Supervisor from Broughton. “What other important cause would be neglected and delayed for this process to happen, the government seem to happy to spend the money on other causes they find more important than what is truly effecting and crippling the public, they should just put the prices of fuel down.”

David Wheeler, 41, a Sales Consultant from Broughton said, “With all the increases with fuel prices I doubt they will start changing cars now. The increase is ruining the progress the country has made from the recession, and because we cannot afford to put fuel in our cars I personally feel like we are going backwards.”